Doing It For the Lulz

[kiaxet]

Why do Sarah and I do this to ourselves. Honestly. XD HAVE MORE EBA SPORKING and this time around it is awkward and not quite SFW. Would you believe there is porn in the EBA fandom? *le gasp*

Title:Moments Of Gold
Author: Ruko Hanaji
Rating: One for hitting every drunken orgy stereotype in the book, one for characterization or lack thereof (I know I have no pedestal to stand on here but come on), one for an orgy that hints at sex and fails to deliver, and one for “inbred cats.” No, seriously.

Full Name: The entire EBA
Full Species: agentus falsus
Hair Color (Including Adjectives): As canon (about the only thing that is)
Eye Color (Including Adjectives): Also as canon (the only other thing that is)
Unusual Markings/Colorations/Physical Features: Excessive libido
Special Possessions (If Any): …excessive libido?

Origin: The local brothel
Connections to Canon Characters: Them as White Court vampires. Or something.
Special Abilities: Excessive. Libido.
Other Annoying Traits: Please don’t make me say it again.

I Say: Well, it’s been a long time since universejuice and I went a-sporking, so we pulled this sucker out and went at it. Thankfully, it is short and none too explicit. Unfortunately, the spelling and grammar are pretty sound, so there is absolutely no distraction from content. It’s like a laser of WRYYYYYYYYYYYY.

Our sporking opens once again on that poor abused theater. J sits in the middle row examining a card found in his seat. Spin enters with a soda, picks up the card off his own seat, and sits next to him. NIN’s “Closer” plays over the speakers.

Spin: Interesting music choice.
J: *absorbed in his card and looking none too pleased with it* Yeah, that was on when I came in.
Spin: *finally looks at his card and just about drops it. Reading slowly, as if he really can’t believe it* Badfic…Orgy…Bingo.
J: Or BOB for short.
Spin: They’re not…
J: They sure are.
Spin: *settling woefully into his seat* We’re screwed, man.
J: In more ways than one. Might as well get it over with.

Moments Of Gold

Spin: *sings* You’ll remember me when the west wind moves~
J: That’s “Fields of Gold,” man.
Spin: Better than what they’re playing now.

Well. This was certainly his room. And there was certainly a warm body cuddling close to him. And that was certainly a mild hangover he was going to be nursing for the next few hours.

J: Oop! Got the 'hangover' point already! *marks*

Oh well, two out of there ain't bad, thought J.

Spin: Out of where?
J: I think that’s supposed to be Meatloaf.
Spin: Song reference, check.

Glancing at the clock by the bedside, he winced a little at the LED display. Too early to get up yet, and his head felt enormous;

Spin: *smirks*
J: One crack about my ego and I will pop you one.

still, he wanted to get some asprin and water into himself before he had a chance to feel worse. He turned his head back, and shifted a little, to get a look at his mystery companion.

Spin: Haha! "Can't-remember-who-it-was" syndrome! *marks*

Huh. It was the rookie.

Both: *choke*
Spin: Ah. This is how it's going to be.
J: Really should have seen it coming.

J raised his head, resting it in one hand as he watched Spin sleeping beside him, and tried to collect his thoughts.

Spin: I’d imagine the first one is “what the hell?”
J: Stronger language, and those’d be the first six or seven.

That's right. Spin had just completed a difficult mission, and in such a flawless and timely fashion that J declared they had to celebrate the rookie's triumph.

Spin: More like punishment, seems to me.

J rarely used his apartment these days,

J: Yeah, mostly ‘cause the lease ran out when I became a secret agent.

but there they had gone after being cleared by the Commander. The other Agents showed up at various intervals, bearing alcohol and food and more alcohol,

J: Drunken orgy! *checks*
Spin: *checks too* Is that the middle square on your card?
J: Yeah that ain’t good.

and they celebrated noisily into the night.

J: Until the neighbors called the police.
Spin: Bet that was awkward.

In any case, J supposed the party had gone on; after a few hours of drinking and flirting with the new recruit, taking an evil pleasure in watching Spin getting increasingly flustered,

J: Wow, that last part almosts sounds in-character.

J had finally stumbled into his bedroom dragging the rookie with him.
Poor kid; he never knew what hit him.

Spin: Euphemism! *checks*
J: Noooooot really.
Spin: *just. Stares*
J: …we aren’t gonna know anything ‘bout that if the author doesn’t tell us.
Spin: Don’t do that to me, man!

J leaned close to lightly kiss the smooth brown forehead; Spin murmured, snuggling closer.

Spin: And morning-after snuggles. I think I'm gonna puke. *checks*
J: Realistically, there should be a few people in this fic who should have already.

J grinned, giving his hip a pat,

J: *as fic!self* Good sex toy! I’ll bring you a cookie.

then gently pulled away to get up.
Pulling on his pants, he headed toward the bathroom, closing the bedroom door quietly behind him. A bit of fumbling for the asprin with an irritated grunt;

J: Aspirin, the staple for any drunken romp *checks*

he was going to need some strong coffee to face the day, he suddenly realized.

Spin: Morning after coffee! *marks*
J: Heck, I do that every morning.
Spin: *just lets that one hang there*
J: …have coffee, Rookie. I have coffee every morning.

Quickly he popped the asprin with a handful of water, grimacing. The major problem was he couldn't properly brew it worth a damn.

J: Hey, I can brew it up fine, thank you very much, I do it every morning!
Spin: You... do realize how dirty that sounded, right?
J: ...The fic's getting to you, Rookie.

And a long description of how J can’t make coffee. But wait! He can smell it!

Someone else was awake and had brewed a pot, bless them.

Spin: “Bless them?” What are you, Southern?
J: Yep.
Spin: *double take* Really?
J: Learn somethin’ new every day, huh.

Shaking his head, J stepped carefully over Comma-no, excuse me, "Mr. X",

J: Is that the author correcting herself or did my internal monologue just apologize?
Spin: Seeing as you never apologize for anything, I’m gonna say it’s the author.

sprawled on the living room floor with an empty bottle of scotch clutched lovingly to his chest, thunderous snores barely muffled by the cat mask.

Spin: Darn, I thought 'unconscious costumed drunk' would be on here for sure...
J: I don't know about Commander, but I'd find that thing really distracting.

J paused a beat, staring at the couple entangled on his couch,

Spin: *cringes* that sounds so uncomfortable.

then continued manuvering around the empty bottles towards the kitchen.
Derek was at the counter, looking a little green around the gills.

J: Aaand the seasick hangover effect. *marks* So close...

He had the nearly empty coffee pot in one hand and a mug in the other.
"Mornin'," J said, pitching his voice low for the sake of those sleeping. "Could I have that coffee?"

J: *as Oliver* Please, sir, may I have some more?
Spin: Nope. You never had any in the first place.

Derek paused before pouring the last of it into his mug.

Spin: Ooh, denied.

"I'll make more. We're going to need it." When J sighed, he added, "Chief's out on the balcony. Maybe he'll share some of his."

Spin: 'cause everyone loves backwash.
J: I can see where this is going and I really don’t like it.
Spin: Like the whole thing?
J: Mostly the coffee part, but you could say that.

Because we'd have to pry the cup out of your dead fingers before you'd share yours, thought J with mild amusement, saying aloud, "Okay, thanks."

Hello there, Chieftain, and how did you get caught in this monstrousity?

"I saw Foxx," ventured J, glancing at the larger man casually, "Where's Starr and Missy?"

Spin: Please don’t answer that.

"Ah." The senior Agent gave the barest hint of a smirk, looking back at J out of the corner of his eye.

Spin: Please, please don’t answer that.

"They went home together."

J: Alright, token lesbian couple! *checks*
Spin: Why are you so happy?
J: ‘Cause it’s better’n thinking ‘bout my girl gettin’ it on with yours.
Spin: *chokes, then buries head in knees*
J: See?
Spin: I hate you.

"Really." Both of J's bushy blond eyebrows arched high as he mulled this tidbit over.

J: How much you wanna bet they went home, watched a Disney movie, had popcorn, and slept in separate beds?
Spin: A lot. I’d bet a lot on that.

Foxx and Starr were usually thick as thieves.

J: Read: screwing like bunnies.

But there was no question that Foxx was curled up on the couch with Morris, of all people, her long limbs entwined with his

Spin: ...Bet Morris would have loved this fic.

(and god only knew what Derek's opinion of the situation was).

J: Yeah probably.
Spin: You think I can mark "love triangle" if it's more of a pentagram?
J: It's earned it, yeah.

J had to wonder if Starr was doing what he himself wanted to do; ever since Missy had joined the Agency, J wanted a chance to unbraid her thick pigtails and bury his face in her wavy brown hair.

Both: *sputtering*
Spin: DUDE.
J :*slowly, not processing* It's like making out with my little sister.

"You know," he remarked after a moment, "we're all as incestuous as a pack of inbred cats."

Both: *choke*
J: …said the little sister line too soon.

Chieftain choked on his coffee.

Spin: Even this FIC knows how awful that line is.

"Speaking of cats," continued J as if nothing had happened, "when did he show up last night?"

J: WORST SEGUE EVER.

"The Commander?" The other man wiped at his mouth. "He sauntered in around midnight or so."

Spin: Wait, wait. Let me get this straight. Did Commander actually get out of this clean?

He looked pointedly at J. "If you hadn't disappeared with Spin, you'd have known."

J: Anyone wanna hazard a guess as to why Chief knows?
Both: *ponder this for about two seconds before shuddering*

J shrugged. He took Chieftain's coffee from him; he flicked his tongue briefly against the rim where Chief had drunk from and then took a swallow.

J: Aaaaaaand it went there. Great.
Spin: What... what is that line? Is it supposed to be sexy, or what?
J: Rookie. It's okay. Don't think about it too hard.
Spin: But--!
J: Shh. It's going to be all right.
Spin: *shakes head* Indirect spit swap. *checks*
J: *looks over at his card* What, are you going for blackout?
Spin: I’d have Bingo three ways if I could get “threesome.”

He then turned to look at the other man with a smug expression. "Well, you found us, didn't you?"

Spin: And there we are.
J: Gotta yell "Bingo!" or it doesn't count.
Spin: Just give me a minute where I can pretend everything is sane, okay?

Chief made a noise somewhere between a laugh and a grunt.
After J had pulled Spin into his room, he pushed Spin's jacket down around his elbows; the rookie's arms were effectively immobilized

J: What the hell kind of jacket do you wear, strait?

while J tossed his tie into a corner and then slowly unbuttoned the crisp white shirt. And that was when Chieftain found them, J mouthing and gently biting Spin's bared chest, and Spin a gasping bundle of nervous anticipation.

Spin: Anticipation of what?
J: The punch line, ‘cause this is pretty laughable foreplay.

Spin had twitched, eyes darting between J and Chief, then his head fell forward with a surprised moan when Chief was suddenly behind him, holding Spin still, fingers trailing over the small of the rookie's back.

J: I’m startin’ to think the author thinks foreplay is somethin’ you do on a golf course.

J smiled at the memory;

Spin: That was…abrupt.
J: Wow, even in badfic you can’t get any!
Spin: *punch*

you forgot sometimes how quickly Chief could move, big as he was.

J: Nimble big guy. *marks* Bingo~

"He's a good kid," said Chieftain suddenly. "He's going to be one hell of an Agent."

Spin: Because of the sex?
J: Well, having a rhythm does help...

J nodded. He took another swig of the coffee, and offered the mug back. "Regrets?"

Spin: *as Chieftain* Letting you top.

Chieftain took his coffee. "Nope."
The two of them stood quietly, leaning against the balcony ledge and watching the red sky gradually fade to pink and gold.

Spin: Watching the sunrise together... jeez, this really is close to a blackout.

"Come on." Straightening, Chief turned towards J, motioning towards the sliding door with a nod. "Let's see if we can convince Derek to make breakfast."

J: The one guy who doesn’t get any, relegated to domestic duties.
Spin: *marks his card* Yeah, that’s blackout. What have you got left?
J: *looks at the unmarked square on his card, blanches, folds it in a hurry and sticks it between his seat and an empty one* You don’t wanna know.

J grinned; it was going to be a good day.

J: And the eternal overused closing line. Gives you that warm feeling, that you got the whole day in front of you...
Spin: And this awful mess behind you.
J: After that, anything would be good.
Spin: Okay. I need my reward after that mess. What do we get for the Bingo cards?
J: We? I. You never called out.
Spin: Oh come on, you can't deny me on a technicality!
J: *smirk* Hey, I don’t make the rules. Now c’mon, let’s get out of here. *heads past him for the exit*
Spin: *grumbles and looks after J, then fishes the Bingo card out from between the seats, looking at the unmarked square* Hey, what's-
J: *whirls around, a bit vehemently* You don't wanna know. I didn't wanna know, and Morris told me, and I'm telling you now: you don't wanna know.
Spin: ...okay...*sticks the card back between the seats and follows J out*

...any idea why putting "orange" as a font color produces cyan? Because that to me is just strange.

Comments

[lunarwhirl.livejournal.com]

Because cyan is orange's worst enemy. Orange is evil, you see, and cyan know it must be destroyed. Cyan's just the only color that has the power to do it. D:

[kiaxet]

I had no idea there was so much violence in my sporking. o_o

[bouncy-erbear.livejournal.com]

LOL, That was really great Kia XD

J & Spin sporking a fic was wonderful <3

[kiaxet]

Sarah and I, we try XD Joint effort thar.

We've done it before, actually. Click the sporking tag and there's another one an entry or two back. :3

[bouncy-erbear.livejournal.com]

It was brilliant. Reading these and the sporkings Lynx does makes me want to spork XD

/goes to read previous sporking