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The correct answer is "too long."
Thanks to yesterday's![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
fandomsecrets post, I found a fic that rather amuses me. It's Super Smash Brothers fic, and...well, see for yourself.
I actually bothered leaving two reviews:
Hi! I was directed to this story from a LiveJournal community, and I have to say I'm...well, a bit taken aback. The author's note at the beginning certainly isn't the greatest way to start a story; to me, it sounded incredibly arrogant. The fact that you take credit for introducing "these kinds of stories" to fanfiction.net and your flat refusal to hear anything negative said against this story made me want to close the window then and there. It's a pretty terrible first impression.
But I continued to read, and I have to say your story does have quite a few strengths to it. You have a good sense of plot and pacing - the story moves along at a good clip, slow enough to let the readers know what's happening and why and quick enough to keep the reader's attention and remain entertaining. Your spelling and grammar are also excellent; you've got no idea how much of a relief that is. Also, in splitting up the characters, you've found a good way to keep track of an incredibly large cast and give each character a bit of time in the spotlight.
Unfortunately, however, you don't seem to be taking advantage of that opportunity. It is very obvious who your favorites are: Bowser, Captain Falcon, and Falco, to name a few. In this past chapter, Mario, Luigi, the Ice Climbers, and Pit were all but useless, Peach was a plot device, and Yoshi was nonexistant. Bowser was very much the focus of this story arc, and it was disappointing to see all the other equally interesting characters fall by the wayside in favor of one rather large lizard.
This also brings to light another rather disappointing aspect of the fic: it comes off as rather misogynistic. The strengths of the feminine characters, notably Zelda and Peach, are played down. Zelda, who in the latest installment of her own canon takes up her bow against Ganon, is portrayed as afraid of dinosaurs, creatures that she could conceivably take down on her own. Peach, as mentioned above, is relegated to the role of Poorly Explained Plot Device. In casting the women, and also the "cute" characters such as Pikachu and Yoshi, to the side, you overlook over half the cast and with them a vast array of plot possibilities.
Speaking of Peach's Plot Device status, the fourth wall is not generally something to be broken at will. Admitting that you "don't feel like making up names" or that you "don't know why Peach didn't just hit Gruntilda or something" is very bad form. It makes you look unprofessional and uncreative. If you don't want to make up names, then just don't mention it. If you can't figure out why Peach didn't smack Gruntilda one, either forget about it, which might lead to the readers questioning why Peach was so easily kidnapped, or render Peach unable to hit Gruntilda. Have Gruntilda knock her unconscious or something. It's a two-sentence fix, and while it's not the best plot twist, it's more believable than the author's admission of "I don't know why." If this fic were entirely satirical, then the fourth wall can be played with at will; however, since it is supposed to be taken as a serious story, Mewtwo's commentary about fanfiction's plots or Kazooie's suggestion that she and Banjo go beat their game on the XBox 360 are entirely out of place and detract from the story's flow.
Finally, putting your personal vendettas in a story is simply bad juju. Thinly veiled insults aimed at GameFAQs in the story are acceptable, though not recommended; outright bashing of organizations or people in your author's notes, however, is incredibly rude and unprofessional. It's not too farfetched an idea for people to stop reading your story because of the statements you make or the way you act. It also detracts from the reading experience overall. I was perfectly happy knowing the Five were OCs; I didn't need to know they were based on people you didn't like. There is such a thing as too much information, after all.
Overall, I do like the way your story is going, though I do think closer attention to characterization and cohesiveness could vastly improve it. Even though you don't like people saying negative things about your story, I would definitely suggest separating the constructive criticism from the flames and taking it to heart.
~
...oh my.
On the upside, this particular arc made better use of its character set. I was worried Captain Falcon would get all the lines, but they were distributed relatively equally among characters. That's a good thing to see.
It doesn't necessarily mean all the lines were good, however. Quite a bit of the dialogue in this story would be right at home in an episode of Power Rangers: generic, stating the obvious, and overuse of exclamation points. You've got some good lines during conversations, but most of the battle banter was pretty sad.
And please, please focus on characterization a bit more. Knuckles was so out of character it hurt. Amy Rose and Sonic were as well, but it wasn't quite as bad as Knuckles' OMG ANGER MANAGEMENT ISSUES act.
And finally, the onomatopoeia doesn't help the story at all in its current format. Saying a character punched a door "with a loud crash" works much better than "X punched a door. CRASH!" The especially long ones, such as the KABOOM so long it requires the reader to scroll sideways to see its end, again detract from the reading experience and simply become annoying after a while.
Again, I do think this story could be excellent; however, I also think it would require a bit of work to be such.
The reviews are actually a bit of a challenge: I want to see if the author will respond politely or simply ream me out at the beginning of his next chapter. I'm betting on the reaming. X3
And because I promised Kae it would be done, I'm sporking the sucker, or at least the first chapter. I don't think I can handle doing all 107 of 'em.
Consider this a rating of 4 out of 5, for all the reasons mentioned in above reviews. Keep in mind the above reviews were me trying to be nice. :D;
I hate to start a sporking with a cut, but do we really need to see the scene of Young Link and Ness beating up Billy the Bully on the way home from school?
I thought not.
-
The two kids stepped into the mansion and are immediately picked up by Mario. “Ah, you two are back-a at last-a!” he said in his usual Italion accent. (I'm not sure if that's spellcheck fail or just a lack of spacebar. "Italion! Getincar!") “Come, Masta Hand is organizing a meeting.”
“What for?” asks YL, whose name is now abbreviated for reasons unexplained to...everybody.
“You’ll see-a.”
So the three of them entered into the first floor bathroom, and Mario reached for a certain tile on the wall, and when he did, the bathtub before them slowly rose up via stilts, revealingOogie Boogie's secret lair a staircase underneath, and so the three of them descended into the secret lab underneath Smash Mansion. (Batman called. He wants his plot device back.)
-
Inside the lab, all sorts of mechanical and scientific equipments are placed here, not to mention Arwings belonging to the Starfox characters (OH GOD WHERE'D THE FOURTH WALL GO) and Samus’s starship.
The three of them walked through the lab and eventually came to the meeting room, where the other Smashers are at the moment.
“So why did you decided to make the lab’s entrance in the bathroom?” Snake asked Fox.
“Well… We wanted it to be as elusive as possible in fear bad guys might find it, so…” replied Fox. "Villains never use the bathroom, after all."
“I get the idea…”
“What’s going on, everyone?” asks Ness.
“Master Hand wanted to tell us about what he found out aboutthe end of the world the plot Gamfax,” Link told him.
“Really? I was just going to tell you what my history teacher told us!”
“Then you can share with us too.”
Suddenly, the lights in the room went out. “YAAAAAAA!! THE DARK!!” screamed Luigi in fright.
“Oh yes! I like it when it’s dark!” shouted Ganondorf happily. (...Happily? ...Ganondorf?)
“I can’t see myself!” cried Game & Watch. "Frigging white outline is past its warrantee."
Then they all heard a voice speaking within the room. “Sorry to keep you waiting, folks!” Then some lights brightened up from the floor and showed a creepy image of a hand on the far side of the room.
“AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!” shrieked Luigi before passing out.
“C’mon! It’s not that scary, is it?” said the hand who is obviouslythe villain Master Hand, and then the room lighted up at the same time.
“You didn’t have to do that kind of entrance, do you?” asked Peach, who probably won't get another line all chapter.
“Well, it fits the topic we are going to talk about, so…”
After everyone settled down, MH stood in front of the Smashers with Crazy Hand next to him. “So guys, it’s about Gamfax…” said MH. “As you know, Bob mentioned about this being his ultimate project and it seems that this organization called the Negativities is behind everything. The term Gamfax struck something on me, so I looked into it, and found out something. Google only had 30 results, though, so I'm not sure how good this'll be.”
Boring conversation, snip snip, PLOTLY POETRY TIME
Age of Gamfax
It is the darkest time in world history…
There is no such thing as love…
Only evil, hatred, selfishness, and more…
Whenever the mouth of a person opens, only the words of foulness, curses, blaspheme, hate, and complaints pour out like water out of a hole on the dam, followed by a 180 degree cranial turn and the spewing of pea soup.
Mothers scold and hit their children not out of love and discipline, but out of fun and boredom. It soon became an Olympic event, where steroid user Mary Sue Jones consistantly took the gold, often beating her opponents about the head with it in a strange victory dance.
People kill each other out of hobby and free time. Model trains were no longer popular.
Rulers and leaders just sat their and watched over the killing spree with glee.(Oh, wait, he was talking about the French Revolution? I had no idea.)
It was a dark age where no light has shown onto the world for several years…Since we covered the sky with smoke in a hopeless attempt to stop the machines. Unfortunately, they simply started feeding on us instead. TAKE THE RED PILL, DAMMIT.
The Age of Gamfax…
“Sounds scary…” said Peach.
"Actually, the Wachowski Brothers did a good job with the movies," Samus corrected her. "They're more action-oriented than horror."
“How can people be so evil?” asked Zelda. “What drove them to do such thing in the first place?”
“Apparently, evil is part of human nature. People are born sinners,” explained MH. “You see; it all began with this one guyevidently Satan's been demoted who is evidently still pondering why people, no matter how good they are, may always sin in their lifetime.
Evidently this dude decided that everyone was evil so why fight it? Then suddenly everybody was evil! Doesn't being right suck?"
“Except for me!” said Falco. “I’m so perfect that you won’t believe how great I am!” (Oh, believe me, the sparkles bestowed upon the Author's Favorites are visible from afar.)
“Greed, jealousy, sexual desires, lust, conspiracy…” And Mewtwo turned his eyes to Falco. “And pride…” (Yes, Conspiracy is one of the seven deadlies. We're fresh outta Wrath, sorry.)
“Let’s get back on topic,” said MH while clearing his throat (he has one?!). “History also recorded down some of the worst people during that time. They are the Failures of the World, the wanktastic internet dwellers known only as Trolls.”
“Failures of the World?” said Roy curiously.
"No, the Backstreet Boys," MH replied snidely.
“You can say they are the human forms of the 7 Deadly Incarnations of the Darkling. They are said to be the worst kinds of people to ever exist and require Philosopher's Stones to function. They are pretty much the incarnation of every negative part of human nature, all six of them. I miscounted earlier.”
“How many of these people are there?” asked Yoshi.
“I’m not exactly sure, despite the fact that I just told you there were seven, but I do know names for some of them. There’s Grumbler, Hatero, S-- Master, The F--er, and…” (I see the Abridged Series' Bleep Machine is still fully functional. Good to know.)
GameFAQs is evidently the spawn of the Devil and the harbinger of Gamfax. Who'd'a thunk?
“You mean they want everyone in this world to turn evil and kill each other? NO WAI!” shouted Luigi. “I cannot has cheezburger! Woez! I don’t want to live in such a horrible place!”
Unfortunately, we know jack else about them. Class dismissed!
The moment they step out from the bathroom and into the main hall, the front door suddenly burst open.
BANG!!
“What the?!” gasped Marth.
They see a man in soldier uniform and carrying several weaponries on his body. “I am the bounty hunter who is here to claim your heads, Smashers!” said the man while holding up the wanted posters of those certain Smashers. “I am also strong enough to carry several weapon storage units on my back! Mine is an evil laugh! Now Die!”
“YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA RLY!! HE’S HERE!!” shrieked Pikachu at the top of his voice like a girl.
“So you want us dead?” asked CF, who sadly suffered from MISSING LOWERCASE LETTER SYNDROME, an ailment that must be typed all in caps lest it come out MLLS. “I commend your bravery, but everyone who tried to do so hasn’t been able to succeed.”
Oh, wait, did I mention the Smashers are on the run from the law? Because they are. Heeyup.
“You haven’t seen anything of me yet! Die!” The man pulled out a machine and fired, but the Smashers avoided the shots by ducking down.
CF ran towards the man and then jumped into the air to avoid the spray of bullets. He dropped towards the man and then smacks him really hard in the head so that the man is flattened onto the floor. "Falcon Bitchslap!"
SMACK!
CF then picked him up by the neck and said to him, “You better not mess with us again or we'll rough you up real good, punk!” And then he hurls him out the door and onto the ground, where Crazy Hand came and picked up the man and took him away.
“Time to take out the trash,” sang CH.
“That was short,” said Marth, sheathing his sword. “I didn’t need to do anything.” (That's because you're not one of the Author's Favorites, Marth. Sorry.)
“Aye… Life is tough ever since that-a incident…” said Mario with a sigh.
“This makes our life more interesting though,” said CF with a smile.
Then the Smashers noticed Pikachu hiding in the corner, trembling with fear like Luigi. “Don’t tell me…” said Snake. “He’s still scared of this…” (Okay, we won't tell you.)
Pikachu is evidently terrified of bounty hunters, who will doubtlessly trap him in a small airtight ball for the rest of his days. Woe. He lets his compatriots know this via a ridiculous display of emotion.
Without saying a thing, CF threw a fist straight into Pikachu and punched him to the wall. Peach immediately reported him to the ASPCA. "Falcon Lawsuit!"
CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASH!!
“Hey! What was that for?!” gasped Peach. “How could you do that?!”
"It's my Falcon Prerogative!"
Captain Falcon then delivers a page's worth of "inspirational" speech. Hurrah.
I know you are scared, as it is natural for people to be scared. But there are times where people must overcome their fear. Now go into the kitchen and make me some Falcon Pie.”
Pikachu finally calmed down and stopped crying after listening to this long lecture.
Everyone and their mom rushes to reassure Pikachu that he's got a friend in them. It's a lovely feel-good moment, ruined by...
“Now hurry up and clean your face,” said CF as he walks away. “It looks so disgusting. Don’t forget what I told you.”
...Valleygirl Captain Falcon. It's like, so totally disgusting, OMG.
-
That night, CF and Snake are in their rooms. They share the same room, you know, but on different beds, of course. Can’t be helped because they ran out of rooms. (I, not a fan of yaoi and rather against porn, have the sudden urge to find explicit Snake/Captain Falcon and link this guy. Just because.)
Snake is out on the balcony watching the night through a telescope.
“What are you watching, Snake?” CF asked him.
“Zelda's bedroom is right across the way. Hubba hubba.Just watching the night scene and being on a lookout for more bounty hunters who may come after us,” replied Snake. Then he took notice of Wario’s house in the distance, where he sees Wario beating up an unidentified person in the yard. Wario ends the beating by shoulder bashing the person over the wall and onto the street, and then he returned to his house. “Business as usual. Seems that Wario is having the same problems as us.”
“He can protect himself,” CF assured him. “His strength is equivalent to us already. And if all else fails, he can just fart in their general direction.”
"Or sit on them," Snake added with a smirk. Both occupants of the room shared a round of raucous manly laughter.
Suddenly a pink light falls from the sky! Instead of going to investigate like good heroes, the guys decide to find out what happened on the news tomorrow. Evidently the pink beam causes people to be OMG TEH EBIL and things are attacking the city. To make a long story short:
“So let’s put it simple: There’s some evil dude causing havoc in Fourside, right?” asked CF.
“I’m sure that’s what he meant,” said Bowser.
“What are we waiting for? Let’s get going and beat up whoever that is!”
And really, why would you need to read the rest of the fic after that one? "WE BEAT SHIT UP. THE END."
I do believe that's more than enough sarcasm for the evening. Anybody want to join me in reading the fic in its entirety? X3
Thanks to yesterday's
fandomsecrets post, I found a fic that rather amuses me. It's Super Smash Brothers fic, and...well, see for yourself.I actually bothered leaving two reviews:
Hi! I was directed to this story from a LiveJournal community, and I have to say I'm...well, a bit taken aback. The author's note at the beginning certainly isn't the greatest way to start a story; to me, it sounded incredibly arrogant. The fact that you take credit for introducing "these kinds of stories" to fanfiction.net and your flat refusal to hear anything negative said against this story made me want to close the window then and there. It's a pretty terrible first impression.
But I continued to read, and I have to say your story does have quite a few strengths to it. You have a good sense of plot and pacing - the story moves along at a good clip, slow enough to let the readers know what's happening and why and quick enough to keep the reader's attention and remain entertaining. Your spelling and grammar are also excellent; you've got no idea how much of a relief that is. Also, in splitting up the characters, you've found a good way to keep track of an incredibly large cast and give each character a bit of time in the spotlight.
Unfortunately, however, you don't seem to be taking advantage of that opportunity. It is very obvious who your favorites are: Bowser, Captain Falcon, and Falco, to name a few. In this past chapter, Mario, Luigi, the Ice Climbers, and Pit were all but useless, Peach was a plot device, and Yoshi was nonexistant. Bowser was very much the focus of this story arc, and it was disappointing to see all the other equally interesting characters fall by the wayside in favor of one rather large lizard.
This also brings to light another rather disappointing aspect of the fic: it comes off as rather misogynistic. The strengths of the feminine characters, notably Zelda and Peach, are played down. Zelda, who in the latest installment of her own canon takes up her bow against Ganon, is portrayed as afraid of dinosaurs, creatures that she could conceivably take down on her own. Peach, as mentioned above, is relegated to the role of Poorly Explained Plot Device. In casting the women, and also the "cute" characters such as Pikachu and Yoshi, to the side, you overlook over half the cast and with them a vast array of plot possibilities.
Speaking of Peach's Plot Device status, the fourth wall is not generally something to be broken at will. Admitting that you "don't feel like making up names" or that you "don't know why Peach didn't just hit Gruntilda or something" is very bad form. It makes you look unprofessional and uncreative. If you don't want to make up names, then just don't mention it. If you can't figure out why Peach didn't smack Gruntilda one, either forget about it, which might lead to the readers questioning why Peach was so easily kidnapped, or render Peach unable to hit Gruntilda. Have Gruntilda knock her unconscious or something. It's a two-sentence fix, and while it's not the best plot twist, it's more believable than the author's admission of "I don't know why." If this fic were entirely satirical, then the fourth wall can be played with at will; however, since it is supposed to be taken as a serious story, Mewtwo's commentary about fanfiction's plots or Kazooie's suggestion that she and Banjo go beat their game on the XBox 360 are entirely out of place and detract from the story's flow.
Finally, putting your personal vendettas in a story is simply bad juju. Thinly veiled insults aimed at GameFAQs in the story are acceptable, though not recommended; outright bashing of organizations or people in your author's notes, however, is incredibly rude and unprofessional. It's not too farfetched an idea for people to stop reading your story because of the statements you make or the way you act. It also detracts from the reading experience overall. I was perfectly happy knowing the Five were OCs; I didn't need to know they were based on people you didn't like. There is such a thing as too much information, after all.
Overall, I do like the way your story is going, though I do think closer attention to characterization and cohesiveness could vastly improve it. Even though you don't like people saying negative things about your story, I would definitely suggest separating the constructive criticism from the flames and taking it to heart.
~
...oh my.
On the upside, this particular arc made better use of its character set. I was worried Captain Falcon would get all the lines, but they were distributed relatively equally among characters. That's a good thing to see.
It doesn't necessarily mean all the lines were good, however. Quite a bit of the dialogue in this story would be right at home in an episode of Power Rangers: generic, stating the obvious, and overuse of exclamation points. You've got some good lines during conversations, but most of the battle banter was pretty sad.
And please, please focus on characterization a bit more. Knuckles was so out of character it hurt. Amy Rose and Sonic were as well, but it wasn't quite as bad as Knuckles' OMG ANGER MANAGEMENT ISSUES act.
And finally, the onomatopoeia doesn't help the story at all in its current format. Saying a character punched a door "with a loud crash" works much better than "X punched a door. CRASH!" The especially long ones, such as the KABOOM so long it requires the reader to scroll sideways to see its end, again detract from the reading experience and simply become annoying after a while.
Again, I do think this story could be excellent; however, I also think it would require a bit of work to be such.
The reviews are actually a bit of a challenge: I want to see if the author will respond politely or simply ream me out at the beginning of his next chapter. I'm betting on the reaming. X3
And because I promised Kae it would be done, I'm sporking the sucker, or at least the first chapter. I don't think I can handle doing all 107 of 'em.
Consider this a rating of 4 out of 5, for all the reasons mentioned in above reviews. Keep in mind the above reviews were me trying to be nice. :D;
I hate to start a sporking with a cut, but do we really need to see the scene of Young Link and Ness beating up Billy the Bully on the way home from school?
I thought not.
-
The two kids stepped into the mansion and are immediately picked up by Mario. “Ah, you two are back-a at last-a!” he said in his usual Italion accent. (I'm not sure if that's spellcheck fail or just a lack of spacebar. "Italion! Getincar!") “Come, Masta Hand is organizing a meeting.”
“What for?” asks YL, whose name is now abbreviated for reasons unexplained to...everybody.
“You’ll see-a.”
So the three of them entered into the first floor bathroom, and Mario reached for a certain tile on the wall, and when he did, the bathtub before them slowly rose up via stilts, revealing
-
Inside the lab, all sorts of mechanical and scientific equipments are placed here, not to mention Arwings belonging to the Starfox characters (OH GOD WHERE'D THE FOURTH WALL GO) and Samus’s starship.
The three of them walked through the lab and eventually came to the meeting room, where the other Smashers are at the moment.
“So why did you decided to make the lab’s entrance in the bathroom?” Snake asked Fox.
“Well… We wanted it to be as elusive as possible in fear bad guys might find it, so…” replied Fox. "Villains never use the bathroom, after all."
“I get the idea…”
“What’s going on, everyone?” asks Ness.
“Master Hand wanted to tell us about what he found out about
“Really? I was just going to tell you what my history teacher told us!”
“Then you can share with us too.”
Suddenly, the lights in the room went out. “YAAAAAAA!! THE DARK!!” screamed Luigi in fright.
“Oh yes! I like it when it’s dark!” shouted Ganondorf happily. (...Happily? ...Ganondorf?)
“I can’t see myself!” cried Game & Watch. "Frigging white outline is past its warrantee."
Then they all heard a voice speaking within the room. “Sorry to keep you waiting, folks!” Then some lights brightened up from the floor and showed a creepy image of a hand on the far side of the room.
“AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!” shrieked Luigi before passing out.
“C’mon! It’s not that scary, is it?” said the hand who is obviously
“You didn’t have to do that kind of entrance, do you?” asked Peach, who probably won't get another line all chapter.
“Well, it fits the topic we are going to talk about, so…”
After everyone settled down, MH stood in front of the Smashers with Crazy Hand next to him. “So guys, it’s about Gamfax…” said MH. “As you know, Bob mentioned about this being his ultimate project and it seems that this organization called the Negativities is behind everything. The term Gamfax struck something on me, so I looked into it, and found out something. Google only had 30 results, though, so I'm not sure how good this'll be.”
Boring conversation, snip snip, PLOTLY POETRY TIME
Age of Gamfax
It is the darkest time in world history…
There is no such thing as love…
Only evil, hatred, selfishness, and more…
Whenever the mouth of a person opens, only the words of foulness, curses, blaspheme, hate, and complaints pour out like water out of a hole on the dam, followed by a 180 degree cranial turn and the spewing of pea soup.
Mothers scold and hit their children not out of love and discipline, but out of fun and boredom. It soon became an Olympic event, where steroid user Mary Sue Jones consistantly took the gold, often beating her opponents about the head with it in a strange victory dance.
People kill each other out of hobby and free time. Model trains were no longer popular.
Rulers and leaders just sat their and watched over the killing spree with glee.(Oh, wait, he was talking about the French Revolution? I had no idea.)
It was a dark age where no light has shown onto the world for several years…Since we covered the sky with smoke in a hopeless attempt to stop the machines. Unfortunately, they simply started feeding on us instead. TAKE THE RED PILL, DAMMIT.
The Age of Gamfax…
“Sounds scary…” said Peach.
"Actually, the Wachowski Brothers did a good job with the movies," Samus corrected her. "They're more action-oriented than horror."
“How can people be so evil?” asked Zelda. “What drove them to do such thing in the first place?”
“Apparently, evil is part of human nature. People are born sinners,” explained MH. “You see; it all began with this one guy
Evidently this dude decided that everyone was evil so why fight it? Then suddenly everybody was evil! Doesn't being right suck?"
“Except for me!” said Falco. “I’m so perfect that you won’t believe how great I am!” (Oh, believe me, the sparkles bestowed upon the Author's Favorites are visible from afar.)
“Greed, jealousy, sexual desires, lust, conspiracy…” And Mewtwo turned his eyes to Falco. “And pride…” (Yes, Conspiracy is one of the seven deadlies. We're fresh outta Wrath, sorry.)
“Let’s get back on topic,” said MH while clearing his throat (he has one?!). “History also recorded down some of the worst people during that time. They are the Failures of the World, the wanktastic internet dwellers known only as Trolls.”
“Failures of the World?” said Roy curiously.
"No, the Backstreet Boys," MH replied snidely.
“You can say they are the human forms of the 7 Deadly Incarnations of the Darkling. They are said to be the worst kinds of people to ever exist and require Philosopher's Stones to function. They are pretty much the incarnation of every negative part of human nature, all six of them. I miscounted earlier.”
“How many of these people are there?” asked Yoshi.
“I’m not exactly sure, despite the fact that I just told you there were seven, but I do know names for some of them. There’s Grumbler, Hatero, S-- Master, The F--er, and…” (I see the Abridged Series' Bleep Machine is still fully functional. Good to know.)
GameFAQs is evidently the spawn of the Devil and the harbinger of Gamfax. Who'd'a thunk?
“You mean they want everyone in this world to turn evil and kill each other? NO WAI!” shouted Luigi. “I cannot has cheezburger! Woez! I don’t want to live in such a horrible place!”
Unfortunately, we know jack else about them. Class dismissed!
The moment they step out from the bathroom and into the main hall, the front door suddenly burst open.
BANG!!
“What the?!” gasped Marth.
They see a man in soldier uniform and carrying several weaponries on his body. “I am the bounty hunter who is here to claim your heads, Smashers!” said the man while holding up the wanted posters of those certain Smashers. “I am also strong enough to carry several weapon storage units on my back! Mine is an evil laugh! Now Die!”
“YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA RLY!! HE’S HERE!!” shrieked Pikachu at the top of his voice like a girl.
“So you want us dead?” asked CF, who sadly suffered from MISSING LOWERCASE LETTER SYNDROME, an ailment that must be typed all in caps lest it come out MLLS. “I commend your bravery, but everyone who tried to do so hasn’t been able to succeed.”
Oh, wait, did I mention the Smashers are on the run from the law? Because they are. Heeyup.
“You haven’t seen anything of me yet! Die!” The man pulled out a machine and fired, but the Smashers avoided the shots by ducking down.
CF ran towards the man and then jumped into the air to avoid the spray of bullets. He dropped towards the man and then smacks him really hard in the head so that the man is flattened onto the floor. "Falcon Bitchslap!"
SMACK!
CF then picked him up by the neck and said to him, “You better not mess with us again or we'll rough you up real good, punk!” And then he hurls him out the door and onto the ground, where Crazy Hand came and picked up the man and took him away.
“Time to take out the trash,” sang CH.
“That was short,” said Marth, sheathing his sword. “I didn’t need to do anything.” (That's because you're not one of the Author's Favorites, Marth. Sorry.)
“Aye… Life is tough ever since that-a incident…” said Mario with a sigh.
“This makes our life more interesting though,” said CF with a smile.
Then the Smashers noticed Pikachu hiding in the corner, trembling with fear like Luigi. “Don’t tell me…” said Snake. “He’s still scared of this…” (Okay, we won't tell you.)
Pikachu is evidently terrified of bounty hunters, who will doubtlessly trap him in a small airtight ball for the rest of his days. Woe. He lets his compatriots know this via a ridiculous display of emotion.
Without saying a thing, CF threw a fist straight into Pikachu and punched him to the wall. Peach immediately reported him to the ASPCA. "Falcon Lawsuit!"
CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASH!!
“Hey! What was that for?!” gasped Peach. “How could you do that?!”
"It's my Falcon Prerogative!"
Captain Falcon then delivers a page's worth of "inspirational" speech. Hurrah.
I know you are scared, as it is natural for people to be scared. But there are times where people must overcome their fear. Now go into the kitchen and make me some Falcon Pie.”
Pikachu finally calmed down and stopped crying after listening to this long lecture.
Everyone and their mom rushes to reassure Pikachu that he's got a friend in them. It's a lovely feel-good moment, ruined by...
“Now hurry up and clean your face,” said CF as he walks away. “It looks so disgusting. Don’t forget what I told you.”
...Valleygirl Captain Falcon. It's like, so totally disgusting, OMG.
-
That night, CF and Snake are in their rooms. They share the same room, you know, but on different beds, of course. Can’t be helped because they ran out of rooms. (I, not a fan of yaoi and rather against porn, have the sudden urge to find explicit Snake/Captain Falcon and link this guy. Just because.)
Snake is out on the balcony watching the night through a telescope.
“What are you watching, Snake?” CF asked him.
“
“He can protect himself,” CF assured him. “His strength is equivalent to us already. And if all else fails, he can just fart in their general direction.”
"Or sit on them," Snake added with a smirk. Both occupants of the room shared a round of raucous manly laughter.
Suddenly a pink light falls from the sky! Instead of going to investigate like good heroes, the guys decide to find out what happened on the news tomorrow. Evidently the pink beam causes people to be OMG TEH EBIL and things are attacking the city. To make a long story short:
“So let’s put it simple: There’s some evil dude causing havoc in Fourside, right?” asked CF.
“I’m sure that’s what he meant,” said Bowser.
“What are we waiting for? Let’s get going and beat up whoever that is!”
And really, why would you need to read the rest of the fic after that one? "WE BEAT SHIT UP. THE END."
I do believe that's more than enough sarcasm for the evening. Anybody want to join me in reading the fic in its entirety? X3
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