Pit-Diving 101, or Moose and Squirrel Riff Bad Fanfiction

[kiaxet]

After spending three or four nights on the Pit, I've found quite a few little treasures in the KH section. These include:

The fic in which Terra kisses Aqua's bloody knee wound and then kisses her (what's even better is the fact that the author doesn't seem to understand that this is a complete squick);

The direct port of Beauty and the Beast, complete with songs, that just has all the names changed (boring as hell, except for the point when the romantic "Belle!Aqua teaches Beast!Terra to read" scene is interrupted by one throwaway line mentioning two Heartless eating a third. CANNIBALISM: IT'S WHAT'S FOR DINNER);

The canon-to-AU fic that describes how things would have changed had events in the Keyblade Graveyard played out differently - basically a rewrite of the Final Episode with Terra in Aqua's place (the laundry list of Things Wrong With This Fic includes Aqua being completely sidelined into the role of distressed-female-love-interest, Ven pickpocketing Aqua's Wayfinder while she's unconscious, Terra fighting the Mysterious Figure as his Mark of Mastery exam [how many of you out there just cringed? Yeah, thought so], Instant Lingering Sentiment - Just Add Keyblade, Why Would You Do That To Vanitas, and...yeah. Holy cow. About the only thing IC in this fic is the fact that Terra still makes exceedingly stupid choices);

And the AU fic in which normal!guy!Terra winds up with a Keyblade and a pledge to protect princess!Aqua by...having sex with her (Terra is somehow injured enough to rip his wounds open by yelling, but well enough to have sex. We seem to have returned to the Bloody Kiss dynamic. GOOD JOB THERE, AUTHOR).

The lesson in all this is, never put "Character: Terra" in the search filter in the KH section of FFN and expect, you know, quality. It doesn't seem to work.

Because of all this idiocy, in addition to the Keyblade Rangers and KH3/Tron: Legacy projects, I also want to write an AU fic in which Terra is a knight assigned to protect Aqua the princess and who is often assisted on his missions by a mysterious figure who often outperforms him...and happens to be Aqua in disguise, since she's a complete badass, which nobody wants to believe since she's also a princess. Think the Zelda/Sheik dynamic. This will include plenty of badassery, mistaken identity shenanigans, and Aqua being the one to start the relationship, because "If I waited for you to make a move we'd be here forever."

I am a sarcastic, impatient, trope-inverting little author and I love every minute of it.

Comments

[bouncy-erbear.livejournal.com]

Awww why must fandom ruin Terra. He can do it on his own KH-fandom, I promise.

I like this 3rd fic idea XD

[kiaxet]

He really does a bang-up job without their help, huh.

Me too. It's eating my brain. o_o

[fae-of-the-rose.livejournal.com]

And we love every minute of your sarcastic, impatient, trope-inverson too ♥

[kiaxet]

Well, I'm glad I'm amusing somebody XD ♥

[fairytaledreams.livejournal.com]

....one of my eyebrows could not travel higher up my forehead while my other eye couldn't twitch any harder if they tried.

also, your idea sounds epic and I expect links.

[kiaxet]

That's an interesting expression. Mine generally winds up fluctuating between 8D;;;, DX, and XD. Because laughter is great badfic therapy.

/tallying up the number of DO ITs people are giving for this fic idea

[fairytaledreams.livejournal.com]

lol it made my head hurt after a while but it expressed my WTF so well XD

/EXPECTS LINKS DAMNIT

[croix-souillees.livejournal.com]

I started laughing so hard and I can' stop. I wonder if there's a decent KH/BbS fic out there that won't make me want to scream and tear my eyes out or just cry.

[kiaxet]

I AM GLAD TO BE AMUSING 8D;;; I've written a bit and I've actually been searching for good BBS fic myself. Eventually, I'll figure something out. Eventually. \O_o/

If all else fails, kh_drabble usually has great stuff, even if it's all...well, drabble-length.

[croix-souillees.livejournal.com]

The only KH fics I've been reading with any regularity would be yours, edmondia's and ... that other person whose name escapes me. sob.

Do you have any that you can rec?

[yuukihikari]

Oh my god, what possessed you to do that on FFN LOL. Poor Terra... poor Aqua... you know... just poor KH XD;;;

Fic premise: Terra is a new knight assigned to Princess Aqua. One day, under Knight!Terra's supervision, Unversed show up and Princess Aqua COMPLETELY ANHILATES EVERYTHING. Knight Terra is flabbergasted and terrified. Aqua shrugs, 'dad wants me to be his helpless little girl, sorry to burst your Terra.' Avatar!Toph syndrome of 'helpless little girl not so helpless'. Aqua teaches Knight Terra on the ways to defeat the darkness inside of him. They fall in luuuuv. Together they rescue a boy they once met on a magic-carpet-ride journey named Ven from the Evil Master Xehanort.

I shouldn't want to write that XD

[kiaxet]

A HONED SENSE OF SCHADENFREUDE AND THE BITTIEST FRAGMENTS OF HOPE I have no idea. I wanted reading material, man. ;A;

...Please write that. You write that, and I'll write mine, and we'll compare. XD

[hitokiri-neko.livejournal.com]

...I'd read badass!princess!Aqua.

[kiaxet]

I suppose I have to write it, then. |D

[synchroshatter.livejournal.com]

Y'know, I glimpsed this post quickly this morning and had to return to let you know these fic descriptions had me laughing to myself throughout work. Which I needed, so thanks!

Also, the fic idea you have: it's all kinds of 'YES. THIS. WRITE IT.' So...do it!

[kiaxet]

I'm glad to have amused you. XD I shall have to do more badfic recaps in the future if that's the case. Sacrificing my sanity for your amusement! 8D

OKAY OKAY FINE I WILL XD It's not going to be stellar, I can guarantee you that much, but it'll work.