When that old spork season comes around

[kiaxet]

Title: Chieftains dark secret

Author: Nusje

Rating: Two Xs for the incredible OOC that is Chieftain’s characterization, one for the random propositioning that comes from virtually nowhere, and one for a rather failtastic secret. The only things that kept the rating this low are 1) the leniency the author gets for not being a native English speaker and 2) the length. Any longer and we’d give it a “perfect” five.
 

Full Name:Agents Missy, J, Foxx, Starr, and Chieftain

Full Species: agentus falsus

Hair Color (Including Adjectives): As canon…mostly. But we can’t give away the secret. Oh, no, that would be cheating.

Eye Color (Including Adjectives): Like “small white buttons.” Evidently she’s visited her Other Mother recently.

Unusual Markings/Colorations/Physical Features: None

Special Possessions (If Any): A broken shower and a rather suspect bag.
 

Origin: The Netherlands. …the showers?

Connections to Canon Characters: Claim to be them. We’re not buying it.

Special Abilities: Having a threesome in what is presumably a cubicle shower and a large man screaming like a small girl. Somehow, the dancing does not show up in this one, for which we are incredibly grateful.

Other Annoying Traits: …all of them
 

I Say: Okay, universejuice gave me the sporking bug again, so here we are. It's my first in a long time, her first overall, and our first in the EBA section of the Pit (which is absolutely littered with gems like this, believe you me). I couldn't figure out whether to laugh or cry the first time I read through this one, but we're hoping the sporking will keep the crying to a minimum.

 

Welcome back to the theater: same place, different wing. As it is, one man in a suit and with a hell of a pompadour is sitting in the middle row, looking through a three page script with an air of disgust. He looks up as his fellow Agent, sporting headphones and balancing a soda in one hand and popcorn in the other, takes a seat next to him.

 

J: Don’t tell me they got you in on this too.

Spin: Not exactly sure what “this” is s’posed to be…

J: *tosses the script his way* Don’t get too excited. The management’s got a weird sense of humor.

Spin: *fumbles the popcorn to catch the script, looks it over, and…dear God what* Uh…

J: Yeah.

 

Nobody knew it, Chieftain had a dark secret. Nobody knew, until one day….

 

Spin: The day the earth stood still.

J: The day that will live in infamy.

Spin: Dark and stormy night?

J: I was thinkin’ Tuesday, actually.

Spin: So let me get this straight. Did someone know?
J: No. Nobody knew it.
Spin: You're sure?

 

Missy was lying on her bed in her quarters at the EBA.

 

J: The dimes had all been used for the washing machine.

 

It had been a busy day, she had been practicing a new song with the other divas. The results were a lot of acing muscles.

“Foolish of me to try to keep up with Star and Fox, they had done the Anthem a dozen times before, this was my first go...”

 

Spin: A busy day with a new song... that... they'd done several times before.

J: Y’know, I thought that was my mission.

Spin: How many fire breathing golems are out there anyway?

 

“You know what, I’m going for a hot shower.”

Unfortunate the quarters had no showers,

 

J: Dirty hippies.

 

Missy put her pink robe on and her favorite bunny slippers, she gathered her shower equipment and went to the showers in the hallway.

In the hallway where three showers.

 

Spin: Where three showers what?

J: Did the same thing they did every night: tried to take over the world.

 

Shower one and two where occupied and shower three had an ‘out of order’ sign on it.

“Oh no, we should have more than three showers, Missy complained.”

 

J: *as Missy* Otherwise badfic will happen, I just know it!

Spin: Is she self-narrating?

 

Missy tapped on the door of shower one. The door opened and J popped his head out.

 

J: Hello, handsome. *smirk*

Spin: *rolls eyes*

 

“Yes?” he said.

“How long before you are finished?”

 

Spin: She should know better than to ask, it takes hours to wash through all that hair.
J: Better to have a glossy shine than a shiny scalp, Rookie.

 

Star popped her head out.

 

J: *choke*

Spin: *stare* …how did you-

J: I have no idea but I am goin’ with it.

 

“Don’t know, maybe an hour?” she said giggling.

 

J: I get the feelin’ we’re doin’ more than just washing hair.

Spin: What else could take you that long?

J: …you really wanna know?

Spin: No. Nevermind. No.

 

“What are you doing over there Star?” Missy asked, she crooked an eyebrow.

 

J: I'd like to know the details myself.
Spin: Are you honestly asking this person to describe this stuff in detail?
J: ...you're right, we should be happy with what we got.

 

Fox popped her head out.

 

J: *well and truly choking now*

Spin: *whacks him on the back without taking his eyes off the screen*

J: *finally pulls himself back together* What the- y’know what, no. I don’t wanna know.

 

“We are having lot’s of fun.” she said.

 

Spin: That doesn’t seem physically possible.

J: Oh, believe me, it’s-

Spin: *hurriedly* I mean the showers aren’t big enough!

J: …you might have a point there.

 

“Do you want to join us?” J winked at Missy.

 

Spin: Oh for--you're not satisfied yet?

J: …that ain’t me. Just. No. Not me.

 

Missy’s glasses slid off her nose, her mouth formed a strange grimace and her eyebrow twitched, her eyes where like small white buttons.

“….no… thank you.. I’ll try door number two.”

 

J: Behind which is a brand new car!

 

J shrugged

“Suit yourself!”

 

Spin: Because clearly, no one else knows how to keep theirs on.

 

and with a tempting smile closed the door.

Missy shook her head.

She tapped door nr. 2

“Hey! Who’s in there?”

A loud voice said, “I’m busy!”

 

Spin: Not as busy as J, apparently.

 

“Chieftain, is that you?”

“YES!”

He sounded annoyed.

“When will you be done? I will wait.”

 

J: Because waiting outside someone’s shower door isn’t creepy. ‘Course not.

 

“15 minutes, NOW GO AWAY!”

Missy looked upset and a drop of sweat was hanging on her head.

 

Spin: So we’re in an anime now?

J: Does that mean we can get the Ouendan to do this?

Spin: Probably not.

J: *snaps fingers*

 

Missy didn’t want to go back to her quarters, she didn’t want one of the other agents steal away her change of a shower.

 

Spin: Don’t worry, none of the other Agents want to be in this fic.

J: Yeah, the rest of us were just lucky. *rolls eyes*

 

So, she sat on the floor.

 

J: ‘Cause the bathroom floor’s a great hangout. Uh-huh.

Spin: Is that better or worse than the kitchen floor?

J: Depends on whether you want to “la la” or not.

Spin: According to the fic, the shower’s best for that.

 

She played with the ears of her bunny slippers, (she got them from a friend of her that lives in Japan) Suddenly the door of shower 2 swung open and with a loud bang hit the wall, it missed Missy by a centimeter.

 

Spin: A hundredth of a meter exactly! Math is fun!
J: Nnno, I always fell asleep in that class.
Spin: More interesting than this fic, though.
J: True enough.

 

With a shock Missy pressed her back against the wall and stretched her legs.

 

Spin: So Missy’s fight or flight response is to…make herself a bigger target?

J: *slow clap*

 

Chieftain stepped into the hallway. He was wearing a black robe and his hear was wrapped in a black towel on top of his head. He had a bag hanging on his left arm, probably with shampoo and shower gel in it. He’d put on his slippers and… tripped over Missy’s legs.

 

J: *that slow clap isn’t stopping anytime soon*

Spin: Pretty uncoordinated for a man who makes his living dancing.

 

“AAAAaaargHH!”

 

J: Was that the Doppler Effect?

Spin: How long was he falling?

J: Well, he is a pretty tall guy…

 

Chieftain’s eyes where as big as saucers when he struck the floor. *SMACK*

“Chieftain, Chieftain, are you alright?”

“What the….MISSY!” he growled angry.

 

Spin: Not like she said she was going to be waiting for you outside the shower.
J: To be fair, he could have thought it was a joke.
Spin: Just like this fic's a joke?
J: A very cruel one, yes.

 

Chieftain got up and dropped his bag. He had a huge red bump on his face and his teeth seemed twice as big as normal. With an angry face he looked at Missy, was that steam coming out of his nose and ears?

 

J: Whoa, quick, call Cap White on that one.

 

Chieftain was ready to lecture Missy big time when she seemed to shrink to half the size she used to be, she had huge kitty eyes with tears in them ready to pop out, and she pouted.

 

Spin: We are in an anime.

J: Yeah, that’s it. *stands up in his seat and turns around* OUENDAAAAAA-

*is that an anvil? Why yes it is, falling from the rafters and decimating the seat next to him*

J: *stares at the remains of the seat, then sits back down* Alright, got it. Sheesh.

Spin: *yeah, he’ll be watching the rafters from now on. Just in case*

 

“I!..YOU!...”

 

J: HE!...SHE!...IT!

Spin: NEXT WEEK!…WE WORK ON!…PLURAL PRONOUNS!

 

He just couldn’t do it, he didn’t want to make Missy cry.

 

J: She does have that effect on people.

Spin: Without the kitty eyes, usually.

 

With a grunt Chieftain turned around and walked quickly to his quarters, slamming the door. Leaving Missy alone. She bended over and with a sight of relief she blew her breath out.

 

Spin: What does relief look like?
J: Apparently it's that fungus growing between the shower tiles.
Spin: That's not very relieving at all.

 

Then she spotted Chieftains bag on the floor.

She picked it up and went into the shower.

 

J: So she could keep a little part of him with her, even in the shower.

Spin: *choke* J-!

J: What? After an exchange like that, you know the author ships it.

 

Missy hung Chieftains bag on a peg. She did felt very sorry for Chieftain.

 

Spin: After he almost made her cry for no reason?

 

“I will return his bag to him when I’m done with my shower.”

 

Spin: She is self-narrating!

 

Missy was enjoying her shower a lot and her muscles finally seemed to relax. She was just washing her hair when someone banged on the door.

“Missy are you in there?!” It was Chieftain.

“Yes I am, what do you want?”

“Do you have my bag?”

“Yes I do, I will give it to you when I’m done.”

 

Spin: Is there... a reason she can't just open the door a crack and give it to him?
J: PLOT.

 

Chieftain grinded his teeth so loudly that Missy could hear it.

 

Both: *wince*

 

“I want my bag!”

“I’ll give it to you when I’m done.”

“NO, I want it NOW!!” Chieftain yelled.

 

J: It's MY money, and I want it NOW!

 

“What’s so important about your shampoo?” Missy yelled back.

“None of your business! Just give me the bag!”

Missy got really angry, why can’t he just wait for a few more minutes.

 

J: Because, unlike someone, he realizes waiting outside a shower is creepy.

 

“You just wait for me to finish or I’ll flush your bag!”

 

Spin: ...we have toilets in the shower now.

 

“What? N...no, you don’t dare.” panic sounded in his voice.

 

J: *as Chieftain* That’s Gucci!

 

“Then you ‘ll wait?”

Chieftain grunted, “Yes yes, I’ll wait.”

Missy dressed herself in her pyjamas and put her pink robe on again. She picked up Chieftains bag from the peg and opened the door. She held her arm straight and offered Chieftain his bag, she looked with a ‘don’t you dare shout on me’ face to Chieftain. He grabbed the bag and walked away, but Missy hold the bag to firmly in her hand, so it tore apart.

 

Spin: Not very good Gucci, is it.

J: Probably a knockoff.

Spin: ...Was it... made of paper?
J: That or Missy has been working out.

 

The torn bag reveals...hair dye. Oh noes.

 

Chieftain grabbed Missy and dragged her into his quarters. He then fell onto his knees and started to cry.

 

Both: *choke*

 

“Please, please, please, don’t tell anyone about this!”

Missy seemed to thaw slowly

“…Chieftain…is… your … hair…gray?”

 

J: DUN DUN DUNNNNNNN

Spin: They've taken on zombies, but can they handle... THE NATURAL AGING PROCESS?

 

Chieftain cried louder, he grabbed Missy by the knees.

 

J: And promptly knocked her over.

 

“Yes, yes it is, but don’t tell anyone, it’s embarrassing!.”

Tears where spouting out of his eyes like fountains.

 

Both: *eyeing the rafters*

 

Missy patted Chieftain on his head. She thought it was kind of cute that a big man could be so vulnerable.

“Now, a big strong agent as you should not be crying like this.”

 

J: OH MY GOD, CANON.

Spin: In my badfic?

J: It’s more likely than you think!

 

She knelt down, wrapped her arms around Chieftain and hugged him.

“There, no more tears.”

 

Spin: We can only hope.

 

Chieftain snorted and hugged Missy back.

“You’re not making fun of me?”

Missy smiled

“No, I will not make fun of you.”

 

J: But the rest of us sure will!

 

Chieftain sighted in relief. He got up and smiled at Missy.

 

Spin: Oh god, the fungus spread to his room!
J: Quick, get the peanuts!

 

“I got my first grey hairs when I was at high school, I’ve dyed it ever since.”

“Well, your dark secret is save with me.” Missy said.

 

Both: *badum-chish*

 

“Thank you, thank you, thank you”

Chieftain walked over to the door to open it for Missy, so she could go back to her own quarters.

J, Starr and Fox where standing with their ears pressed against the door, looking with an ‘oops we’re busted’ expression on their faces when Chieftain opened the door.

 

Spin: Because it's not like secret agents know how to be sneaky or anything.

 

“What are you three doing over here?” Chieftain asked loudly.

“Well, we saw you drag Missy into your quarters and we where curious what you where doing” J said, with a smirk on his face.

 

J: Yeah, the author ships it.

Spin: Well, at least you didn’t ask to join.

 

Missy walked up to the door and looked J daring into his eyes.

“Let’s just say that Chieftain and I are going to have lot’s of fun.”

 

J: *facepalm*

Spin: ...yet.

 

She winked at J.

 

Spin: Is she propositioning you now?

J: Nice as the change of pace is, no thank you.

 

J crooked an eyebrow.

“You may not join us.”

 

Spin: ...though maybe you would have, given an extra second.

 

With an tempting smile Missy closed the door.

 

Both: *long pause, followed by a sigh of relief*

Spin: So what did we learn from this horrible trial?
J: That Chieftain, rather than being unfazeable and eternally stonefaced, is quite possibly bipolar?
Spin: And that we keep toilets in our showers, further impeding on the space that people do disturbing things in.

J: Guess reading really does teach you stuff.

Spin: When it's not killing your brain cells.

J: Point. *a pause* Hey, Rookie? 'F this is over, why're we still sitting here?

Both: *exchange looks and bolt for the door*

It's been too long, but I loved this. Gotta do it again, Sarah.

Incidentally, I'd forgotten how much I hate the rich text editor.

Comments

[electric-worry.livejournal.com]

*slow clap*

[universejuice.livejournal.com]

I had a great time myself! And indeed, I look forward to doing it once more. The EBA have a teeny little section on FF.net, but it provides plenty of opportunities for more!